Early this afternoon a man showed up in the hallway of my apartment and said “Hi, I’m a time traveller and I have now pretty much fucked up your life.” Then he laughed and stabbed himself in the heart area. I now have a decidedly dead body in my apartment and no idea what to do next. I was supposed to get things done today.

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I also have holes in my face. It is a low-priority pre-existing condition, unlike having a dead body in my apartment. The most reassuring thing about having holes in your face is that everyone else seems to have holes in -their- faces. If everyone else had smooth faces or consisted solely of electromagnetic charges or seaweed, then you’d probably be quite distressed to have a face with holes in them where you have to put stuff into or make very sure to not put any stuff into (people are very good at telling the two apart, except when it comes to other parts of the body).

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Aliens from the planet Space are mistakenly considered to be utterly delectable. It’s actually that they taste novel, like a new basic taste. It’s all very exciting. We can experience this new taste because our taste buds allow it to activate various flavours in unison. I’ve tried Space alien once and the taste is very hard to place. An expert wine taster would probably be of more use. There’s definitely something sweet in there, and vanilla? There’s a jolt of something else, like blended popcorn, and then an aftertaste I can only describe as blue slushy, though not as chemical or sweet. I’m not describing it well. Overall it goes down like a very light dish, Space alien meat. You can almost not get enough of it.

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Sometimes you just don’t want to be disturbed. You might be in bed listening to a verbally gifted person explain why they love you so much. At a time like that you’d rather not have to run to the oven or disable the fire alarm or let the neighbours know you are in fact home and nothing’s on fire. Other times you do want to be disturbed. You’re entirely ready to mean business, but there is no business to mean. Someone should call you up and ask you to help move house or suggest looking up the most delicious recipe to be found online and endeavour to make it together.

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It is always a good idea to watch panel shows and floss.

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Brains coming loose? Take 5 and you’ll be fine. Honest.

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There is no terror that lasts forever. You can quote me on that one. But really, how brilliant is it to lie in a bathtub and notice how barely visible in the distance, past icebergs of bubble foam and paddlewheel boats of plastic, there are two strange islands and you can actually make these strange faraway islands rise and sink by the use of sheer willpower?

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Never judge anyone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. I didn’t make that one up, but it’s a good one to remember. That said, white socks are inexcusable.

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The letter O would be pretty boring as a racetrack, but it’s the only one that would make for a continuously smooth ride. If the circumference was large enough, it would seem just like a straight neverending road.

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It seems I can no longer enjoy libraries the way I used to and it is just a little bit sad. Browsing around the library was always fantastic, and then one could return home with a pile of different books of interest without having to think of cost and whether one really needed them. And for a kid, what can replace smelling the pages of a newly stocked book on brilliantly illustrated sceneries of Roman towns and forts?

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So this is the end of our story, and everyone has gone off to the wave pool but us two.